prologue.

    She readied herself for impact.  Annie had been impatiently awaiting this moment for what felt like an eternity. Positioned in a forward lunge, arms poised, hands in fists at her sides, she began the first countdown of the summer.  

    “THREE!” She balanced on the balls of her dainty bare feet, giddy with uninhibited anticipation.
    “TWO!”  She turned her head sideways and cast a mischievous grin at her mother, who swayed lazily next to her grandmother thirty feet away in the creaking bench swing that hung below the two-story deck.
    “ONE!” 
    Annie ran, full throttle, down the grassy hillside, her golden sun-kissed hair whipping in a wild frenzy in her wake.  She stopped just short of the edge, as if paused in slow motion, and hurled herself with reckless abandon into the sparkling cerulean water below her. Beams of summer evening light reflecting off of the pool, which cast grand shadows of the trees just beyond the fence line, were disturbed by the small, mighty impact of her body into the water. As Annie surfaced with a splash, her carefree laughter punctuated the evening din of crickets, lawnmowers, and water sprinklers.

    Annie awoke with a start.

        

a letter

To Whom it May Concern:

You are a peach.

No need to compare yourself to others. A sunset and glistening snow are both beautiful, but distinctly and vastly different. They are both brilliant in their own way. Some people will be far better than you in many areas. You are certainly not going to excel in everything you attempt. Focus on where God has blessed you, and release your weaknesses into His hands. Not every talent or strength you have will be easily quantifiable or seen by others, either; they are not put into place for our glory. It is all for His glory. You have to trust that God is using you whether you recognize it or not, if only you are obedient.

No need to worry about how others will let you down. They absolutely will. We are human and we are flawed. We are self-seeking. We often have a limited view, and thus, do not consider every consequence. If people were the ones meant to fulfill us, we would all be in hopeless trouble. God alone is meant to be our source of fulfillment and satisfaction. Searching for it anywhere else is fruitless. When people fail us, God walks beside us, providing the peace we need if only we ask it of Him.

No need to worry about what others think of you or how they gossip about you. It’s not your business anyway. You are going to get under some people’s skin. You are not going to get along with everyone. Not everyone is going to love, value, understand, or appreciate you, and that’s okay. You are a beloved child of God, and though you are far from perfect, He created you for a specific and holy purpose. No one else is called to serve how you will be called to serve. You are called to obedience in unique ways. You are not a mistake, and you were not made to be anyone else but you. God gave you the talents and strengths He did for a reason, as well as your weaknesses - it is often through those where He will use you the most and show you His power.

You are far from insignificant, even when you don't feel your worth. When you are doubting your value, look up. Remember that God made the sunrise, sunsets, the fields of daisies, the oceans, the mountains, the soothing rain, the night stars, the towering pines, and the vast canyons, and he felt that this Earth could be made better by what you have to offer, too.

Jen

 

365 days.

 It’s been 365 days since I watched you take your last breath. 366 days since you last hugged my neck and said goodbye.

You would think it gets easier, and in some ways, it does.

But moments still hit where fresh grief takes me under like a wave.

The weight of grief, some days, feels like more than I can bear. The weight of the memories of your decline and suffering overwhelms me sometimes.

I recently found this picture, and I think it sums it up quite well.

I would like to say I handle it gracefully by now, and I do have days of remembering fondly and smiling. But some days I’m so angry.

I hate the phrase “It isn’t fair”...yet it isn’t. You should’ve had more time. There was still so much spirit and passion left in you. You were just a grown-up kid.

I was watching “Last Dance” the other day with Jon about Michael Jordan and his life. He talked about coming out of retirement in the 90's and playing basketball again after the death of his father. He said that he felt "naked" without his father there. That’s a perfect analogy. With that void there, you feel exposed, vulnerable, unprotected. The world as you know it has changed forever and there’s no returning to the safe space of your parent’s love. I’m very blessed to still have my mom in my life, and for that I’m exceedingly grateful. But a part of me is missing for good and that hole will never be filled.

On normal days, I have to be okay. I have to push through and show up. But on July 24th, that day is mine. Mine to miss you. Mine to remember. Mine to cry. I know you wouldn't want that for me, or for Kim. But one of the things you didn't teach me was how to go through life without my dad.

I trust you're walking streets of gold, heckling and laughing, pain- and sorrow-free. That has to be enough.

remembering.

I've tried many times to adequately write the words that have been on my heart, but I always came up so very short.

How do you nip, tuck, and bundle grief into a tidy little blog post? You can't.

It's been over four months since I sat beside my dad and watched him take his last breath.

Four months since he wrapped his arms around my neck from his hospital bed, kissed me on the cheek, and said "I love you."

It has become easier to look back fondly and not be overcome with tears.

It has become marginally easier to use past tense when talking about him.

It has become much easier to celebrate him rather than simply wallow in grief.

Then again, there are still the moments that blindside you and quite literally take your breath away.

I want to tell you everything about him. His upbringing, his favorites, his philosophies, and his pet peeves. His childhood. The way he was as a father and the ways in which I could make him crazy. How he loved, how he fought. But I couldn’t possibly summarize his life to do it a semblance of justice, so I won’t. 

I will say this: he was rebellion, he was sensitivity, he was mercy, he was humor. He was intelligence, and temper, and warmth. He had a gleam in his eye and an infectious grin. He didn’t always toe the line, and he liked to flirt with trouble in his earlier years. But as a fellow churchgoer leaned in and whispered to him in his last days, “You are the reason my sons were saved,” he had also proven to be great encouragement and love. 

 

While I can't physically wrap my arms around him or hear him say, "I love you, Jen", these memories are balm for a tender, downcast heart.

I'll always remember the way he faithfully stirred his soon-to-be fudge at Christmastime while mom and I decorated the tree. I can still smell it as if it were yesterday.

I'll always remember the way he gently encouraged me to knock on the neighbor's door when I ran into his truck while learning to ride my bike.

I'll always remember the way his workshop smelled of sawdust and fresh lumber.

I'll always remember the view from atop his shoulders, where he would hoist me to walk home after dark or to have a better vantage point.

I'll always feel his arm, linked with mine, as he walked me toward my future husband. 

I'll always remember the way he clung to his faith as he fought the monster named cancer.

I'll always see his wave and smile he gave me as I went home to shower and gather my things once he had been settled into hospice. It was the last time I saw my dad awake.

The void his absence has left is vast. While as Christians we rejoice upon the welcoming of those we love into God’s heavenly kingdom, on the hard days, selfishness wins over the triumph.

I simply want to talk to my dad again.

The wound of loss is no longer raw, but there will be scar tissue for a lifetime. Some days will be filled with comfort upon remembrance, while others will be consumed by grief and the shadow it casts over all that is good.

The anticipation of Christmas coming near fills me with both hope and dread.

The thought of visiting family with the overwhelming tension of his absence is enough to make my stomach churn.

My first Christmas without his bear hug to welcome me. 

My first Christmas without him asking for homemade sugar cookies as his sole present. 

My first Christmas that will be tinged with sadness and longing.

And while his seat in the living room and at the table will be empty this Christmas, he left behind a lifetime of warmth, love, passion, and humor, that makes him so worth missing.

if you give him an inch

If you give the enemy an inch, he's going to seize a mile.

If you allow him onto your mental playground, he's going to be the schoolyard bully.

If you allow him to dance with your insecurities and fears, he's going to seduce them at the end of the night. But he won't be gone by morning.

Allowing Satan to move in and unpack with his thoughts and ideas contrary to God's truth gives him complete control over your mind.  

Entertaining that thing you fear happening.

That sin you can't distance yourself from enough.

That brokenness that feels like it will never heal.

That insecurity that makes you believe you aren't enough.

When we let him in, Satan wins.

His control breeds doubt and grows a wider chasm between us and God. It implies that these threats to our peace are bigger than God's power, provision, and redemption.

Sometimes our thoughts can be so invasive and predatory that shifting them feels insurmountable. This is where the word of God can be a weapon no enemy can defeat. Scripture serves as the perfect mantra to thwart the enemy and his efforts to control you. 

If you have no more strength than this, repeat 2 Timothy 1:7 ad nauseam - "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." Or Isaiah 41:10 - "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." But if the only word you can muster is "Jesus," he will hear you and sit beside you in your distress. Allow yourself to be baffled by the power of the holy spirit, God's word, and his calming presence.

Philippians 4:6-7 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, 
through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

We cannot control everything that happens to and around us. We simply can't. We can't make mountains move with our worry, and our obsessing can't prevent that thing you're concerned about from coming to fruition.  What we CAN control is what thoughts we allow to form about it and how we move forward. 

Stand up to the playground bully. 

Don't give him a single millimeter.

And don't let him sway and seduce you to think as he does.

When we let God's truth reign in our minds and don't give Satan's lies room to breathe, good wins.

John 10:10 - "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, 

whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, 

if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

2 Corinthians 10:5 - "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up 

against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Isaiah 26:3 - "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."

offended

Offended.

A word that my husband has vehemently banned from our household.

People seize opportunities to become offended at the drop of a hat.

Mainstream media latches onto a public figure's words and the crowd goes wild.

Rifts are formed for decades following a ruthless argument between friends or family.

Most catastrophic of all is the widespread belief that Christians are some of the most judgmental, most easily offended people.

And sadly, for some, this is true.

But this is not God's intention for us.  As Christians, we have two biblical obligations in this arena.

The first is to ensure that our speech is thoughtful, free from provocation and insult.

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, 

sweet to the soul and healing the bones." - Proverbs 15:24

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt..." - Colossians 4:6

"A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, 

but a man of understanding holds his tongue." - Proverbs 11:12

The second, and equally important, responsibility we have is to forgive one another.  We forgive, because he forgave us.  C.S. Lewis once said, "I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than him." The same applies to forgiving others.  Seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-2). Period.

"Be completely humble and gentle; 

be patient, bearing with one another in love." - Ephesians 4:2

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. 

Forgive as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13

"A person's wisdom yields patience; 

it is to one's glory to overlook an offense." - Proverbs 19:11

That isn't to say that we should allow those we love to sin. Conversely, we are called to lovingly point each other in a Godly direction.

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, 

you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently." - Galatians 6:1

"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. 

If they listen to you, you have won them over." - Matthew 18:15

So, while we are called to make sure we are taking care with the words we speak, we are also implored to be, essentially, "unoffendable."

Our ultimate example carried his cross to Calvary with nary a word to his adversaries.  And with Christ's power in us, we can take note and rise to his standard of behavior.

Pause before speaking when someone throws a well-constructed insult or slur.

Hold your tongue when a family member casts the bait.

They may just be stressed. Or tired. Or hungry. We can all certainly relate.

when the answer is no

When one season of waiting for deliverance rolls into another without relief.

When, even though you believed the best, the diagnosis is dismal.

When you've been rejected for something - or by someone - again.

Heartache on this earth is real.  It's raw, with jagged edges that cut. It's often ugly and wildly unpredictable.  It's not tied up with a neat little bow as in a work of fiction.

And sometimes, it's the last story we'll be a part of on this side of eternity.

Sometimes God's answer to our prayers is, simply, no.

Many of us demand explanations. Why, Lord?

Instead of asking why, try asking him what can I learn?

Sometimes God doesn't change our situation because he's more concerned with the condition of our heart than with our circumstances. If it's going to shape us to be more like Jesus, you can be assured he'll likely allow it into your life.

Sometimes he needs us to completely abandon any semblance of control to which we're clinging.

And sometimes, he simply needs us to know that this earth is not our home.  

We yearn to be fulfilled by the things of this world, while it just wasn't designed to be so.  

He is the answer. The only answer.

Don't throw in the towel yet. Continue to lean into him.  

If the only answer you're getting is no, it's for a good reason.  Perhaps it's simply, not yet.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though inwardly we are wasting away, 

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." - 2 Corinthians 4:16

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9