remembering.

I've tried many times to adequately write the words that have been on my heart, but I always came up so very short.

How do you nip, tuck, and bundle grief into a tidy little blog post? You can't.

It's been over four months since I sat beside my dad and watched him take his last breath.

Four months since he wrapped his arms around my neck from his hospital bed, kissed me on the cheek, and said "I love you."

It has become easier to look back fondly and not be overcome with tears.

It has become marginally easier to use past tense when talking about him.

It has become much easier to celebrate him rather than simply wallow in grief.

Then again, there are still the moments that blindside you and quite literally take your breath away.

I want to tell you everything about him. His upbringing, his favorites, his philosophies, and his pet peeves. His childhood. The way he was as a father and the ways in which I could make him crazy. How he loved, how he fought. But I couldn’t possibly summarize his life to do it a semblance of justice, so I won’t. 

I will say this: he was rebellion, he was sensitivity, he was mercy, he was humor. He was intelligence, and temper, and warmth. He had a gleam in his eye and an infectious grin. He didn’t always toe the line, and he liked to flirt with trouble in his earlier years. But as a fellow churchgoer leaned in and whispered to him in his last days, “You are the reason my sons were saved,” he had also proven to be great encouragement and love. 

 

While I can't physically wrap my arms around him or hear him say, "I love you, Jen", these memories are balm for a tender, downcast heart.

I'll always remember the way he faithfully stirred his soon-to-be fudge at Christmastime while mom and I decorated the tree. I can still smell it as if it were yesterday.

I'll always remember the way he gently encouraged me to knock on the neighbor's door when I ran into his truck while learning to ride my bike.

I'll always remember the way his workshop smelled of sawdust and fresh lumber.

I'll always remember the view from atop his shoulders, where he would hoist me to walk home after dark or to have a better vantage point.

I'll always feel his arm, linked with mine, as he walked me toward my future husband. 

I'll always remember the way he clung to his faith as he fought the monster named cancer.

I'll always see his wave and smile he gave me as I went home to shower and gather my things once he had been settled into hospice. It was the last time I saw my dad awake.

The void his absence has left is vast. While as Christians we rejoice upon the welcoming of those we love into God’s heavenly kingdom, on the hard days, selfishness wins over the triumph.

I simply want to talk to my dad again.

The wound of loss is no longer raw, but there will be scar tissue for a lifetime. Some days will be filled with comfort upon remembrance, while others will be consumed by grief and the shadow it casts over all that is good.

The anticipation of Christmas coming near fills me with both hope and dread.

The thought of visiting family with the overwhelming tension of his absence is enough to make my stomach churn.

My first Christmas without his bear hug to welcome me. 

My first Christmas without him asking for homemade sugar cookies as his sole present. 

My first Christmas that will be tinged with sadness and longing.

And while his seat in the living room and at the table will be empty this Christmas, he left behind a lifetime of warmth, love, passion, and humor, that makes him so worth missing.

if you give him an inch

If you give the enemy an inch, he's going to seize a mile.

If you allow him onto your mental playground, he's going to be the schoolyard bully.

If you allow him to dance with your insecurities and fears, he's going to seduce them at the end of the night. But he won't be gone by morning.

Allowing Satan to move in and unpack with his thoughts and ideas contrary to God's truth gives him complete control over your mind.  

Entertaining that thing you fear happening.

That sin you can't distance yourself from enough.

That brokenness that feels like it will never heal.

That insecurity that makes you believe you aren't enough.

When we let him in, Satan wins.

His control breeds doubt and grows a wider chasm between us and God. It implies that these threats to our peace are bigger than God's power, provision, and redemption.

Sometimes our thoughts can be so invasive and predatory that shifting them feels insurmountable. This is where the word of God can be a weapon no enemy can defeat. Scripture serves as the perfect mantra to thwart the enemy and his efforts to control you. 

If you have no more strength than this, repeat 2 Timothy 1:7 ad nauseam - "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." Or Isaiah 41:10 - "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." But if the only word you can muster is "Jesus," he will hear you and sit beside you in your distress. Allow yourself to be baffled by the power of the holy spirit, God's word, and his calming presence.

Philippians 4:6-7 - "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, 
through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

We cannot control everything that happens to and around us. We simply can't. We can't make mountains move with our worry, and our obsessing can't prevent that thing you're concerned about from coming to fruition.  What we CAN control is what thoughts we allow to form about it and how we move forward. 

Stand up to the playground bully. 

Don't give him a single millimeter.

And don't let him sway and seduce you to think as he does.

When we let God's truth reign in our minds and don't give Satan's lies room to breathe, good wins.

John 10:10 - "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, 

whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, 

if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

2 Corinthians 10:5 - "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up 

against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Isaiah 26:3 - "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."