prologue.

    She readied herself for impact.  Annie had been impatiently awaiting this moment for what felt like an eternity. Positioned in a forward lunge, arms poised, hands in fists at her sides, she began the first countdown of the summer.  

    “THREE!” She balanced on the balls of her dainty bare feet, giddy with uninhibited anticipation.
    “TWO!”  She turned her head sideways and cast a mischievous grin at her mother, who swayed lazily next to her grandmother thirty feet away in the creaking bench swing that hung below the two-story deck.
    “ONE!” 
    Annie ran, full throttle, down the grassy hillside, her golden sun-kissed hair whipping in a wild frenzy in her wake.  She stopped just short of the edge, as if paused in slow motion, and hurled herself with reckless abandon into the sparkling cerulean water below her. Beams of summer evening light reflecting off of the pool, which cast grand shadows of the trees just beyond the fence line, were disturbed by the small, mighty impact of her body into the water. As Annie surfaced with a splash, her carefree laughter punctuated the evening din of crickets, lawnmowers, and water sprinklers.

    Annie awoke with a start.

        

a letter

To Whom it May Concern:

You are a peach.

No need to compare yourself to others. A sunset and glistening snow are both beautiful, but distinctly and vastly different. They are both brilliant in their own way. Some people will be far better than you in many areas. You are certainly not going to excel in everything you attempt. Focus on where God has blessed you, and release your weaknesses into His hands. Not every talent or strength you have will be easily quantifiable or seen by others, either; they are not put into place for our glory. It is all for His glory. You have to trust that God is using you whether you recognize it or not, if only you are obedient.

No need to worry about how others will let you down. They absolutely will. We are human and we are flawed. We are self-seeking. We often have a limited view, and thus, do not consider every consequence. If people were the ones meant to fulfill us, we would all be in hopeless trouble. God alone is meant to be our source of fulfillment and satisfaction. Searching for it anywhere else is fruitless. When people fail us, God walks beside us, providing the peace we need if only we ask it of Him.

No need to worry about what others think of you or how they gossip about you. It’s not your business anyway. You are going to get under some people’s skin. You are not going to get along with everyone. Not everyone is going to love, value, understand, or appreciate you, and that’s okay. You are a beloved child of God, and though you are far from perfect, He created you for a specific and holy purpose. No one else is called to serve how you will be called to serve. You are called to obedience in unique ways. You are not a mistake, and you were not made to be anyone else but you. God gave you the talents and strengths He did for a reason, as well as your weaknesses - it is often through those where He will use you the most and show you His power.

You are far from insignificant, even when you don't feel your worth. When you are doubting your value, look up. Remember that God made the sunrise, sunsets, the fields of daisies, the oceans, the mountains, the soothing rain, the night stars, the towering pines, and the vast canyons, and he felt that this Earth could be made better by what you have to offer, too.

Jen

 

365 days.

 It’s been 365 days since I watched you take your last breath. 366 days since you last hugged my neck and said goodbye.

You would think it gets easier, and in some ways, it does.

But moments still hit where fresh grief takes me under like a wave.

The weight of grief, some days, feels like more than I can bear. The weight of the memories of your decline and suffering overwhelms me sometimes.

I recently found this picture, and I think it sums it up quite well.

I would like to say I handle it gracefully by now, and I do have days of remembering fondly and smiling. But some days I’m so angry.

I hate the phrase “It isn’t fair”...yet it isn’t. You should’ve had more time. There was still so much spirit and passion left in you. You were just a grown-up kid.

I was watching “Last Dance” the other day with Jon about Michael Jordan and his life. He talked about coming out of retirement in the 90's and playing basketball again after the death of his father. He said that he felt "naked" without his father there. That’s a perfect analogy. With that void there, you feel exposed, vulnerable, unprotected. The world as you know it has changed forever and there’s no returning to the safe space of your parent’s love. I’m very blessed to still have my mom in my life, and for that I’m exceedingly grateful. But a part of me is missing for good and that hole will never be filled.

On normal days, I have to be okay. I have to push through and show up. But on July 24th, that day is mine. Mine to miss you. Mine to remember. Mine to cry. I know you wouldn't want that for me, or for Kim. But one of the things you didn't teach me was how to go through life without my dad.

I trust you're walking streets of gold, heckling and laughing, pain- and sorrow-free. That has to be enough.